Finally August 09 is on its way to becoming extinct, and the promise I made about a post-a-day has almost been fulfilled.

The problem of the 20th day, the day I completely missed is very easily excused by a busy day being attacked by terrorist ferrets or something, but come on, should I need to excuse just one day out of 31?

I’ve had a very interesting August, I started off the month by learning that I was getting promoted in my job, which was really nice considering the decision to leave media and teaching, for retail, tends to pop back into my head and test my loyalty.

I have talked about many things, from police dogs, gnomes, the meaning of life, MOT and loads of completely random things, but today I’m going to talk about… Fish!

I don’t really have any type of measured obsession with fish at all, as I am a Flexiterian ( a vegetarian who eats fish, in other words not a proper veggie! )
I do occasionally eat fish, but that’s not the context I want to talk about them, I want to explore the little appreciated place for fish, in comedy.

Starting off with the one image which enters into my mind every time someone really annoys me…

Monty Python’s sketch “The fish slapping dance” never fails to keel me over into a mass of giggles!

Two men standing next to a canal one slapping the other in the face with a wet fish… Well just look at this and you will understand.

Another Python snippet “fishy fishy fish” from the Monty Pythons meaning of life.

After showing everyone this clip, no one seems to get it! Its almost like the undiscovered random dimension where almost anything can happen, there are no reasons, or thousands of reasons which matter significantly, but at the end of the day no one seems to remember so that’s ok.

Ok…well I have only just now discovered that the only comedic fish I can remember are all connected in some way or another with Monty Python!

So let’s raise our pints of haddock to the amazingly creative chaps outside the box drinking tea, who hold themselves to the ongoing cult Monty Python and thank them for bringing fish onto the stage of the comedy wars!

image008For more about fish

Or Monty Python! Tee heee!

Or Steve Martin…?

And for something completely different click here.

Thank you all I’ve enjoyed August 09

I’m off to lie down in a tumble dryer for a month.


4 Minutes


People always talk about what they would do if they were going to die, and say things like “I’d visit the wonders of the world and see as much as I can”

Or in previous conversations with people about what they would do if thay knew that this was the last day, they suggested things like going to the beach with loads of alcohol, and get thrashed and watch the asteroid come down and give them a big kiss!

lets take this to the extreme!

What if you had exactly 4 minutes to live?

Is that even enough time to contemplate a list of things that you will never have time to complete anyway, what the hell would go through your mind if you knew you exactly had four minutes left to live.

I would like to think I would instantly get naked and run around outside in front of traffic, I’d be rushing so much taking my clothes off I would probably get my leg caught in my trousers, trip over, hit my head and then the four mins would turn into a about 30 seconds! thats right that’s how long it would take me to attempt to get my trousers off, fall, hit my head and realise that im dead!


Well I think I would phone up a major news paper, and the last words that leave my lips would be “I know” then I would delight in thinking that people will be wondering what I did know.

Don Murdoch wants more money

Should news be free?alienmccain

Everyday I check the news on my blackberry, just to keep updated on things, not because I’m obsessive or anything, I just don’t want to miss something really big happening! Like Aliens attempting to kidnap Barack Obama.

The spotlight at the moment is on the BBC which is apparently offering free news online. There not the only ones!

James Murdoch compared the BBC to the Adams family of the world media! Which is a little harsh, and seems to be more jealousy than logical sense.

I’m not sticking up for the BBC of course, when have I ever stuck up for the BBC? But I do believe this is another hated attack by the Murdoch family who have always despised the BBC because they make their money easily, when the money hungry Murdoch’s care not about professional journalism or creative media, as they say, but all they are business men, and all they care about is making money.

We have been paying the TV licence for a very long time, and you only pay your TV licence when you have a TV, so all the people with TVs are paying for anyone out there who only has a laptop or computer and watch BBC i player all day!

Just something to think about.

The BBC are not the only people to do free news online, the Murdoch’s want to make people pay to read news anywhere and everywhere, but its not just the BBC.

I constantly check Al Jazeera, Ananova, Reuters, Guardian and The Times and all these places are free to view content.

The problem I think is the new twitter generation, where now people don’t feel the need to know the whole story anymore, instead they like to see snippets of the news, and most online sites are using this to their advantage, giving the option at the bottom for someone who wants to view the full story. Cutting news down into little droplets is only a problem to people like the Murdoch’s, why should people be charged to read that kind of news?

Most online news sites will make their money the same way as newspapers do, by selling advertising space! So where is the problem?


I have a spot on my nose!

Yep  its a spot, and its right on the end of my nose.

So as the spot is distracting my brain way to much to blog I’m going to be really helpful to anyone who may also have a spot of two, and I’m going to casually leave a link discarded just here for you all to take a look at read.

Tally ho!

Day six, Death is in the diary room.

The fear stroked across the country like a blanket of beatles gliding over sand when the country heard that Big Brother wasbig-brother to be axed!

As if!

Come on guys as programmes go it had its fair share of the skittles and sometimes chewed them so roughly we all winced.

Since Big Brother started in July 2000 it was that annoying little bulb which us moths kept on smacking, 38,000,000 of us watched the 1st series at least once! That is a huge 64% of the uk population! Even though at some points the programme was as easy to watch as poking yourself in the eye with a Banana while on fire, that is still hell of an achievement!

Channel 4’s de-bugging will free up 200 hours a year, and the question is, as they have made this decision as a creative development process, what will they replace it those 200 hours with?

And will this be the end for what was the beginning of reality tv? Or will the Romans_I mean “Sky One” take on the deadly donkey falling slowly from the sky.

On thing is fact! The programme has lost the masses and its hardly talked about, I mean look at me, I don’t even watch it! Well OK its on the TV yes, and I am in the same room ;o)

Well if you are sad, don’t let it get you down there is loads of other rubbish on TV to watch! ;o)


I’m just about to set the dreaded alarm to give my unconscious a good kicking, and in turn my unconscious giving the engine a slap with a wet fish and thus ultimately rising the dead, me in the morning.

I actually wanted to set my alarm for 2 hours before I was supposed to get up, just so I can appreciate the fact that I won’t have to get up yet!

Then I remembered how obsessive I used to get when I was younger, and thought better of it. I was so obsessed with setting my alarm clock early, just hitting that beautiful snooze button over and over again. This created a slight problem at the time, 1, my parents got really annoyed with my alarm going off up to 12 times through the early morning hours, and 2, it would actually hinder me getting up at all; I would get in such a habit of pushing the snooze that I would end up sleeping in anyway!

So I don’t think ill set my alarm too early!

I’m sure a few people reading this will know all about the snooze addiction? That was possibly the most non conducive invention in the world of clocks! The dreaded snooze!

That’s it from me, have another five minutes… go on!


April Fools

Practical Jokes, aren’t they bloody brilliant!IMG00879

I spend most of the year waiting for April fools, to stir up all sorts of mischief.

When I was working in a certain retail organisation I decided to pick a particular person during April fools, the manager, he was the type of person who always bragged about how cunning he was.

This particular manager was actually quite forgetful and kept on leaving the all important keys to the safe about and then forget where he put them, so I decided to get the key for the drinks dispenser, place his safe keys in the place of a can of coke. So he would then have to pay 50p to get his keys back!

and as I was feeling particularly crafty I also took his beloved lunch box and placed it in the display window, for all the customers to see! I though it was at a good price to.

Not only is it great to catch people out on April fools day, but its great to watch all the dud stories pop up.

greatest-hoaxes-01-afGoing back to 1957 the BBC Panorama programme ran a famous hoax showing Italians harvesting Spaghetti trees, and reporting that the despised Spaghetti weevil had been eradicated! After this programme was shown, the BBC received many letters pleading for information on how to cultivate their own Spaghetti trees.

Google have never disappointed with their April fools, the one I remember the most was Google Gulp, which was a drink that would enhance your searching capabilities by increasing your intelligence! It was said to come in 4 great flavours and analysed your DNA to give each person a tailored effect.

And I loved the feature on explaining how animated tattoos worked!

Some contemplate why I’m talking about April fools in August, well I’m not gonna talk about it on the day am I? I’ll give away my hoax!

This year in a new job, I decided to fool a few people. The dreaded day was coming up a few days after my manager had just praised me and said that if I ever left the company she would kill me and so on, on April fools day I gave in my notice!

She loved that, the cow, she only tried to put the bloody thing through!

Happy Hoaxing!